From a February Failure

Have you heard that most people fail their New Year's Resolutions? I can't speak for everyone, but that describes me for two years running! I'm a resolution kind of girl, I say, but I still can't manage to keep my New Year's resolution(s).

This year I resolved to read before bed every night. If I made it through 2019, then I would buy myself a book. I was ecstatic. I love books and dream of owning a library, and here was my chance to start! Sadly, two weeks in, I went to bed, my mind full of dreamy, happy thoughts, and completely forgot about Les Miserables. When I woke up and remembered, I sat in a daze as the world turned in slow motion.

I failed.

I was deflated. And not just because I no longer had an excuse to buy a shiny, new book, with those spotless pages because no sweaty, dusty hands living in West Africa have touched it. (Sadly, all of my books have red-ish fingerprints all over them...yuck!) It's hard to not be perfect. It's hard to not be able to meet the goals that you have set for yourself. It hurts even. I am reminded constantly, in every possible way, that I am not perfect. My life is messy. I fall down. I embarrass myself. I say the wrong things. I make the wrong decisions. I don't get the grades I dreamed of getting. I lose self-discipline. I lose motivation. I ruin things that I should have been able to do perfectly. My cooking turns out inedible in the moments when I want it to be Julia Child-worthy.

It's a struggle to accept my flaws without letting them determine my worth, joy, and love.

I am not my hard, flat, salty biscuits. I am loved by God. Every time that I fall down I have a chance to make myself less and Him more. It has to be ok that I'm not perfect. God is, and that has to be enough for me. 

So get back up! Try it again! You can do it! You are getting stronger every day. Laugh at your mistakes. Often they are quite funny if you see them in the right light. Don't let them define you; you are so much more, like created-in-the-image-of-God-more. Run, push through the pain, but when you stop to catch your breath, look at how far you've come! Even better, sit down, close your eyes, and just stop. Stop. Take a break from social media, your phone, your people, your work, your house, your troubles, your ups and downs, your insecurities, your chaos, and breathe in God, and let out all of the rest. Breathe in love, exhale unworthiness. Breathe in contentment, exhale entitlement. Breathe in peace, exhale worry. Breathe in acceptance, exhale your reasons for not accepting yourself, reasons that you explain to others, yourself, and God--you are accepted.

Now get up and fight! Will you do it with me? Can we try again together?

Joy is a fruit of the spirit: don't let the enemy take it away from you. Pray, love, rest, praise, stand your ground in faith. I have confidence in you.

-kae-